Man vs. Woman

Do You Know What I Mean?

 

"We make the mistake as women sometimes of thinking that, because (men are) different, there is something wrong. The average guy speaks 2,000 to 4,000 words a day and the average woman 6,000 to 8,000. So we're different, but it doesn't mean there is something the matter with the relationship." -- Kate White, the Editor-in-Chief of Cosmopolitan

 

Communication is everything. I am from Trinidad & Tobago. I have lived 6 years in New York, 6 years in on Miami, 5 years in Scandinavia and 4 years in Spain. With the help of classes, media, friends and colleagues I have managed to learn the English languages of the Black, Latino, Asian, Jewish and White American, my Swedish is almost fluent, I speak Spanish and Italian fairly well and I can have very simple conversations in Danish, Norwegian, German and French, but I have still not mastered the most important language of all; the language of the woman.

 

Most of us in the western world have tried and failed at having a relationship with the opposite sex at least once, in many cases, several times. Our failure is often due to the same mistakes. A behavioural pattern that, in any other situation, would be considered a sign of insanity or some sort of medical ineptitude. Yet we stumble ahead in this sea of love and desire searching in the dark for a miracle formula that works. We have tried blind dating, video dating, online dating, speed dating, bride agencies and offerings of money and comfort with limited success. Our failures to connect, to relate, to find satisfaction has lead to alcoholism, drug use, violence, and a severe decrease in two parent families.

 

I once read that a woman had been successfully represented in a murder trial, where her attorney proved that she had suffered temporary insanity due to a very difficult pre-menstrual syndrome. Was there no other way for her to communicate with her husband? Could it be that we simply do not understand the other sex?

 

The fact is that, for many of us, finding the right partner is the most important thing in our lives. Yet most of our education systems have no curriculum on teaching our children how to be good parents, how to be good partners and how to understand the language of the opposite sex, a task so difficult, so complex that the instructions ought to begin at primary school level and continue until age 65. The female language is far more complex for it has several sub languages within the menstrual cycle and within society. The female language includes: the way women speak to other women; the way women speak to unknown men; the way women speak to known men; the way women speak when in heat; the way women speak pre and post menstrual; and the way women speak to authority figures. The male language is far less complex with differences only in the way men speak when they want sex or money, the way men speak when they want to fit in and the way men do not speak about emotional issues, the latter being the most important part of the male language within the relationship.

 

It is generally understood that women are more passive in their language and men are more aggressive. Men demand what they want and women ask for what they want. This has led to misunderstandings on the simplest levels, like:

 

Example:

Woman - Are you cold?

Translation - I am cold, please close the window

 

Woman - Are you hungry?

Translation - I am starving. Can we stop at the next restaurant?

 

If the man misinterprets these simple requests the woman will usually judge the man as self centered and insensitive. Very seldom will the woman realise or even accept that the man simply did not understand, but it can be worse, as in the following situations

 

Man - Let's go to Cantu for dinner?

Woman - Do you really want to go all the way over there?

Translation - I don't like that place.

Result - The man doesn't get it and takes the woman there. He gets no sex later and is pissed off, after he paid for dinner (this is another story), drops the woman off and goes out, complains to male friends, gets drunk and/or high, does something regrettable that he can't tell his girlfriend and takes another step on the downward spiral that will eventually lead to the end of the relationship. Simply because he was never taught the most basic levels of understanding the language of women.

 

Man - Slams door, pours a drink, turns on TV, doesn't speak, but is visibly upset.

Woman - How was your day? Something happened?

Translation - The man doesn't want to talk right now and if you give him anywhere from two minutes to two weeks he'll tell you everything.

Result - Woman pursues the conversation and complains that the man doesn't share. Man is very uncomfortable being pushed to speak about things that he himself does not understand and often finds another woman that he can speak to only when he wants to, which is often mistaken for true understanding and leads to regrettable behaviour that becomes another step on the downward spiral.

 

Most problems in relationships can be traced back to our inability to correctly translate the languages of the other sex (written, spoken, body and sexual). Yes, blame our education system, but do something as well. Read a book, take a class or ask questions. The language of the other sex is the most difficult in the world, because it is a language that you can never practice, you must simply learn to understand. Hey, I was 30 years old before I understood that women are very sensitive, really horny and unimaginably angry during the menstrual cycle and this is reflected in their speech. A quickly learned to have great sex, hug a lot and just agree to everything for one week out of the month. If I could learn that then there is hope for everyone.

 

 

 

 

Man vs. Woman

The Ballad of Many Faces

 

 

Nothing inhibits freedom, burdens living or disrupts peace as much as the lie and it is those tiny, insignificant lies that we so often blurt out during our first meeting that do the most damage. How many times have we lied about what we like, the places we like or the movies we like during those first encounters? Granted, usually, in the beginning, we are simply trying to win sex and companionship and so we will say anything and do almost anything. Typically the man tries to convince the woman that he is not like every other man and the woman denies that she is like every other woman. To this end we will fake emotions, laughing at things that we do not find amusing, going to places that do not entertain us and talking about things that hold little fascination.

 

It is during these precious moments of the initial courtship period that the bane of relationship is conceived. In today's world, within a very short space of time a relationship either ends or continues, and it is at the crucial turn in the journey towards the everlasting that a decision must be made to confess. For if we have knowingly or unwittingly lied to our future partner in the beginning, we must accept that to continue along this path of deception is to mutilate one of the most important ingredients for success, trust.

 

Every relationship needs love, not the love of someone, or the love of being with someone, but love without adverbs or adjectives. The kind of love that is has no expectations, no objections and no conditions. This love is not dependent on anything, but is an acceptance of unity of humanity. This love is not to be confused with desire, commonly referred to as the "in-love" feeling, though desire is a very important element. The desire must be so strong that it will not be confined, it will not be suffocated. The desire for sex, for intimacy, for togetherness, for sharing. A desire fully embedded in admiration. Admiration for the physical and the spiritual. Admiration for the body and the soul. Admiration for movement, ability, intelligence, passion, ambition and thought. But all the love, desire and admiration will eventually wither away in the face of deception. If we do not trust our partners, then our relationship will slowly die.

 

Why do we so often abandon the opportunity to build trust from the very beginning? We choose the meeting place, our clothing, our hairstyle, our words, what we eat and what we drink carefully in a twisted game of romantic jeopardy in a effort, so we say, to woo the other party through convincing them that we are someone that they will desire, fearfully neglecting to show our true identity.

 

Then it's too late. The relationship has progressed around that first bend and we did not confess, choosing instead to enter a world where our daily lives consist of wearing many faces. One face for our male friends, one face for our female friends, one face for our colleagues at work, one face for our family and one face for our beloved partner. A sad shuffle of identities that lead to the inevitable confusion of our own identity, until finally, after a period of time that has seen the relationship buckle at the knees, we finally separate from our partners, not because they don't understand us, but because they have finally figured us out and we are too ashamed to look into that mirror.

 

We can help stop this endless procession of failed relationships that drain our energy and prevent us from focusing on the bigger issues like teaching the young, protecting our freedom, living out loud, loving exponentially and laughing until the tears wash away all fear. Next time you meet someone, don't be afraid, take a deep breath, smile, look yourself in the mirror and tell them exactly who you are.

DON'T BE AFRAID

 

There is no need for so many faces once you have revealed your true identity

 

"The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear." -- Gandhi. 

 

 

 

 

Man vs. Woman

My Woman

 

He told me she was a virgin. Not the kind of virgin that . . . you know . . . the kind that hadn't done the nasty. No she had done that. Oh yeah, don't believe the lil-girlie behaviour she was wearing the first time we met at WMC 2002 (Miami Winter Music Conference). I wasn't really paying attention. It was all about the next meeting, the next event and where the fuck was Mark and the flyers. Yeah, I should have noticed her then, because she was noticeable, in a strange sort of way.

 

She hugged me the first time we met. Not some pussy, nice to meet you, just trying to be friendly kinda hug. No. She hugged me and held on for a little while, but I was too filled with trying to be myself. I was the man. Shit. 22 parties, celebrity attendance, superstar DJs, Tommy Sponsorship. Why wouldn't she hug me? I really wasn't thinking. I wasn't listening. I don't even believe that my eyes were open.

 

That's the year I met Okayo, Milly and Treva. I remember those girls. I still think about those girls. I dare you to find a sweeter voice than Okayo and if you get close you will be hard pressed to combine that voice with the saint-like personality that she wears like a pair of jeans. DJ Milly and Treva was a great couple, now they apart, but still great people. Milly plays her heart out. I keep thinking that someday the world will wake up and pay attention to the amazing talent that female DJs possess. That natural ability to feel the music and feel the crowd, but what the hell . . . . . . . .At that time I was more interested in Roger Sanchez and a promise I had made to him.

 

That's the year I left Miami. In between everything that went right and everything that went Pete Tong all I could do was pack the Volvo, sell the leftovers and head for New York. Good old N Y City, where the incredible dance shows would lift their skirts on dimly lit streets, where I would get high on the smokey whispers of wine filled poetry that drifted out through the cracks, where off off off Broadway was another dimension only accessible through dreams and schizophrenic delusions, but the apple would not satisfy the thirst that she had seen back in Miami, when she hugged me and softly asked . . . . . Do you want to fly away?

 

What the fuck did she mean with, fly away? I heard the words again like an echo from a different life and I knew it was her . . . . my experienced virgin. The same intense hug and the same whisper. I had to leave New York. I was a knight on a sacred quest for the holy jail, completely convinced that somewhere out there was the perfect cocktail of money, freedom, creativity, fun, love and sex that would quench this leg-numbing thirst, and all I had to was to find the right cup to hold that mixture, lock myself in and drink to my hearts content. My soul was dry, my lips crack and bleeding. I could only mumble something in Swedish or Spanish, for my precious Trini twang sat like a ball of mucous in my throat.

 

There she was again shaking her ass, holding my hand, singing to me, making everything bright as the early morning sun. Atlantis, Ibiza . . . . . the rock called Es Vedra  . . . . full moon in Es Cubells and so much music, but she was right when she said the island needed some flavour. A little soul, a little jazz, a little blues, a little funk or a little of all of that wrapped in a 21^st century box. You know . . . . like digable planets having simultaneous orgasms. Yeah, she knew what she was saying; my sexy muse. She had always known that we would fall in love. Deep underneath the sound of thunder she whispered her name . . . .  Arianna . . .

 

 

 

 

Man vs. Woman

Yes means Yes

 

 

In a time when the spoken language is losing the battle against computer hieroglyphics, funky handshakes, and subtle nods, two words champion the validity of the spoken word; Yes and No. Although "no" may, at times, appear flaky and unable to stand its ground, "yes" always appears to be in complete control. These two valiant words lead the campaign to uphold the supremacy of the spoken word, but, at no fault of theirs, they have become enemies of the future as the unwillingly struggles against the unity of the sexes.

 

No means no. Or it means, maybe later. Or it means, only if you take me out, by me a new dress, and lick my toes. Or it means, not here. This is the dilemma that the modern male faces. Understand that this is no simple predicament, but a monstrous task. If the male were to fail in correctly deciphering the hidden codes behind the use of this word, (a simple interjection used to indicate a negative response in order to refuse, deny, or disagree with something), then he may be the victim of horrible sicknesses, such as Dysentery, impotence, or blue balls.  Why? you may ask. Simple. Because "no" is the father of deception. Because sometimes, just sometimes, when you least expect it, from out of nowhere, "no" can mean yes. When this is the case and the male is clueless, then that male will spend the rest of his life with a deep seeded feeling of incompleteness.

 

To understand the subtle hints to unraveling the secrets of "no", the male has gone to great lengths. Some have employed masters in the art of body language, and psychics, as others have sought tutoring from incredible minds like President Clinton, Elizabeth Taylor, and Mike Tyson. But the word "no" continues to baffle us all. Yet, we are drawn to it like Howard Stern to Playmates. We find it sexy, majestic, powerful. We may complain of its ambiguity, but, often it is this which arouses us, and creates fantasies of being in a dark room with someone just to hear this simple monosyllabic word leave our own lips. We then marvel at the perplex look that immediately appears on the face of our audience. Oh, the wonder of "no." 'But as alluring as this word is, it offers no comparison to the omnipotent quality of "yes."

 

"Yes," bring tears to my eyes as I remember the lost of my virginity, my first job, and my first car. It empowers me as the ambition of receiving this elusive response fuels my desire to be successful and to enrich my life intellectually. A perfectly designed, phonetically sexy, aesthetically appealing word that has caused kings and emperors to drop to their knees, weeping, begging, to hear it uttered just once. "Please say yes." On top of all of this, "yes," is too proud, too secure, and too noble to be dubious, deceitful, and ambiguous. This word, use to indicate assent, agreement, or affirmation, is so confident that Yes always means yes.

 

The moral of this story is: In the interest of enhancing the communication between the sexes and facilitating harmony, and good sex, males and females should refrain from using the word "no" to beguile and deceive. Instead let us all embrace "yes."  If the answer is yes, then say yes, life will become much simpler and one more obstacle that stands in the way of sexual unification will disappear.

 

 

 

 

Man Vs. Woman

The Truth, The Whole Truth, Nothing but the Truth, but never the entire Truth

 

 

The lie is a horrible burden that will weigh you down and sit on your mind for teh rest of your life. Those that lie so convincingly that they actually believe their lies may forego the guilt in exchange for losing their sanity. 

 

From the very beginning the lie has been linked to sexual relationships. Lies within a relationship are common and despicable. All heathy relationships are based on honesty and trust, but isn't it appropriate, some times, to simply lie.Hold up! I can hear you disciples of honesty gnashing your teeth and stomping your feet. Calm down. I am also in favor of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but never, and I repeat, never the entire truth.

 

Here are a few examples of when they lie is expected and appropriate.

 

When your woman asks you if you thought that some other woman was attractive. Maybe she was. Maybe she was the nicest woman you have seen on two legs since  . . . .  It doesn't matter. You simply say, "Which girl? Oh, that girl. I didn't even look at her. She's okay, but what's up with that walk and the way she dresses, and that hair looked like straw."

 

When he comes back from some trip and asks if anyone was over at the house. So what if Michael was there, and Michael is only a friend, and you didn't even sit next to him and he only stayed five minutes. Your answer should be, "I went out with the girls one night, but besides that I did nothing, and nobody came over. Oh, Angela came over one night, but she left early. It seems like when you are gone nobody really wants to come see me. I guess they find us more entertaining as a couple."

 

When you are on holiday and meet up with the same person that everybody meets on at least one holiday trip. You know who am I talking about, Mr. or Mrs. Let'sjusthavesexbecauseyouareonholiday. When you come home and your mate asks you how your holiday was, you better lie. Tell them about the quaint village, the fancy restaurant, and the crazy beggar that sings in the park. You tell everything, but don't you ever mention about that crazy person that thought that you would cheat on your love.

 

Those are just three examples but I am sure as you think about it you will have to admit that there are many cases when they lie is not only the right thing to do it is the only thing to do. Relationships were never easy, and they have only gotten harder. Gender indistinctions cultural miscommunications, language barriers, sexual curiosity, feminine freedom, masculine angst, Hollywood instigated fantasies, and financial independence has all lent to a relationship nightmares. In spite of all these obstacles, in spite of all the failures, and all the confusion, we still willingly persevere in our search for the right mix. We are determined to find a partner, a person that makes our life peaceful and rewarding. The only thing that we need to be completely honest about is this.

 

When you are alone ask yourself. Do you have the desire to be with this person more than any one else, do you admire them, care for them and trust them? Are you living with love? Would you do anything for this person, even if it meant never seeing her/him ever again? Be honest, completely honest.

 

The world is filled with decadence, excitement, and never entertaining temptations behind every door, and there are a lot of mistakes to be made, but some mistakes are so insignificant, so meaningless, yet so harmful if exposed, that the best thing to do is to forget them. Honestly, in less than two months you would have forgotten that guy that you kissed one night when you were out with the girls, or the girl that grabbed your dick on the dance floor, when you were not looking. Is really necessary to create confusion where there isn't any. Then be honest, be truthful and lie.